You seem so self-aware that if you felt something were off, you would know it, so you also have that going on for you.
(She thinks, at least. And the same way Sophie doesn't understand, she can't expect Sciel to understand either. Well, they did come to talk, right? At least this is something she wants to talk about, with all the fog trauma.)
Oh, no. I mean, one other did a little after. And, uh, it's complicated. Yes, because they were three instead of five, so there is an understanding of which Cuckoo I am, but also, not really? I knew and felt all they feel, including when I was not there, and vice-versa. When I first got here, not only did I have to explain which one I was to everyone, but I was, you know, a Cuckoo. They know me but don't at the same time, because that's not really what sets us apart. It's really difficult to explain, I'm sorry.
(She's trying her hardest, at least.)
Then let's reframe as you're... Discovering what being alive without a timer feels like.
I guess time will tell. Or this place, apparently, since it seems to love to put us in fucked up situations to begin with.
(She has to chew on that for a second. 'Liberating' is not the best word, but she doesn't know what word would be best either.)
I suppose you want me to be honest, so.
('Friends don't lie to friends' being the first thing Kamala told her that she listened to. She'd love to say it's great, that being her own person unthetered to them is awesome, all this freedom, all these choices, but it's... Hard, considering the journey she decided to take.
She takes a sip, watching the glass for a second before sighing as loudly as she can for some comfort.)
I guess I don't know how I feel. We have a certain really shitty reputation and we happen to be clones of one of the most influential women of our time, not to mention the hivemind aspect of it all. It, uh, feels incomplete. You can't really understand who I am and what I'm trying to accomplish without knowing me as One-In-Five, you know?
(She thinks she's done for a second as her brain processes it for a little while, and she realizes she's not. Another breath,)
... That said...? It's not... Bad. I'm just not used to all this, so I'm constantly recalibrating, but I... Like who I am, here? Or, well, I'm trying to be someone I can like?
[She does want honesty. And it makes sense to her, even without knowing the intricacies of Sophie’s world, that all the complicated and sometimes oppressive parts of being a One-in-Five would still be the building blocks of her life, her identity –– her story, whether it’s been glorious or tragic.
It makes her think of Verso, actually. She can’t say for certain what makes his family a force of nature, but she knows she will never have a full picture of him as long as it remains a mystery to her. It’s no different with Sophie, even if it’s not at all the same, either.]
It’s complicated. A rare experience, with very few other who could understand what you’re going through. But that makes it even more admirable to me that you’re trying, Sophie. You’re forging your own path in the unknown.
[She takes a sip of her wine, sets the glass down, and reaches over to put a hand on her friend’s shoulder for a brief squeeze. She smiles, knowing this question is one that most people fondly hate:]
So what have you learned to like about yourself so far?
I... Yeah. It's... Never done before, not really. Esme killed me and left, but she also did industrial quantities of drugs and then got killed by this one dude she was fucking or whatever. The other three also tried? Together, but our conclusion is that individuality is lame. No one has been away for this long.
(That's the thing, though. Sciel doesn't quite know what she is trying, does she? It gets her feeling like an impostor, sometimes. To be fighting so hard against her programming, and feeling like she fooled everyone to believe she's not... Well. Who she is trying not to be. That's what makes her pensive, and it makes another sigh release from her lungs before she goggles her eyes with the question Sciel posed.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
(She thinks, at least. And the same way Sophie doesn't understand, she can't expect Sciel to understand either. Well, they did come to talk, right? At least this is something she wants to talk about, with all the fog trauma.)
Oh, no. I mean, one other did a little after. And, uh, it's complicated. Yes, because they were three instead of five, so there is an understanding of which Cuckoo I am, but also, not really? I knew and felt all they feel, including when I was not there, and vice-versa. When I first got here, not only did I have to explain which one I was to everyone, but I was, you know, a Cuckoo. They know me but don't at the same time, because that's not really what sets us apart. It's really difficult to explain, I'm sorry.
(She's trying her hardest, at least.)
Then let's reframe as you're... Discovering what being alive without a timer feels like.
no subject
[But would she worry about it, if things were truly the same? There’s no way to tell, and she decides not to dwell on it.]
It may be difficult, but surely it’s been liberating, in some way, to be your own person? To be known entirely as Sophie, instead of as one of five?
no subject
(She has to chew on that for a second. 'Liberating' is not the best word, but she doesn't know what word would be best either.)
I suppose you want me to be honest, so.
('Friends don't lie to friends' being the first thing Kamala told her that she listened to. She'd love to say it's great, that being her own person unthetered to them is awesome, all this freedom, all these choices, but it's... Hard, considering the journey she decided to take.
She takes a sip, watching the glass for a second before sighing as loudly as she can for some comfort.)
I guess I don't know how I feel. We have a certain really shitty reputation and we happen to be clones of one of the most influential women of our time, not to mention the hivemind aspect of it all. It, uh, feels incomplete. You can't really understand who I am and what I'm trying to accomplish without knowing me as One-In-Five, you know?
(She thinks she's done for a second as her brain processes it for a little while, and she realizes she's not. Another breath,)
... That said...? It's not... Bad. I'm just not used to all this, so I'm constantly recalibrating, but I... Like who I am, here? Or, well, I'm trying to be someone I can like?
no subject
It makes her think of Verso, actually. She can’t say for certain what makes his family a force of nature, but she knows she will never have a full picture of him as long as it remains a mystery to her. It’s no different with Sophie, even if it’s not at all the same, either.]
It’s complicated. A rare experience, with very few other who could understand what you’re going through. But that makes it even more admirable to me that you’re trying, Sophie. You’re forging your own path in the unknown.
[She takes a sip of her wine, sets the glass down, and reaches over to put a hand on her friend’s shoulder for a brief squeeze. She smiles, knowing this question is one that most people fondly hate:]
So what have you learned to like about yourself so far?
no subject
(That's the thing, though. Sciel doesn't quite know what she is trying, does she? It gets her feeling like an impostor, sometimes. To be fighting so hard against her programming, and feeling like she fooled everyone to believe she's not... Well. Who she is trying not to be. That's what makes her pensive, and it makes another sigh release from her lungs before she goggles her eyes with the question Sciel posed.
This one is loaded.)
... I don't know.