Most of the time, he is. There's so many reasons people adore him, myself especially. But Gustave is very... [She winces, but she smiles, too, a little wryly.] Opinionated. When he's upset he can get a little mean, and he does this little thing where he shrugs and says "okay" to whatever point you've made, like you're being unreasonable or stupid, and then he doubles down on you.
[She needs a sip of wine. She takes one.]
Anyway. Verso holds his cards very, very close to his chest. Gustave doesn't like that, and I think from where he's standing, it's a fair judgement. It's just not where I've stood.
Doesn't sound really that bad. At least he is talking? Double down on him. If 'a little mean' is really all, then, you should be able to give it back? It's better than radio silence.
(If it doesn't get worse. She should be able to handle a little mean, give a little mean back. In most cases, Sophie hardly gets offended — her stance tends to be very clear. 'You offend me, I offend you, then if both are offended, no one is', which is a clearly sane and healthy approach to deal with conflict, by someone who is definitely in control of her regulation. Not a doubt.)
... No way, it's Verso? I met him, kinda, a while back. Pretty cute, nice— not the point. Look. There are things you won't understand, and there are things he won't understand. What's the likelihood he just accepts your decision as your own to make, considering the differences in, you know, how things are dealt?
It's not. It's just harder to hear from someone you love, and I don't want to be mean to him. I've hurt his feelings enough without it.
[Nothing feels worse than adding to conflict. She doesn't even bring anger to the battlefield; bringing it down on her friends feels impossible.]
And yes, it's Verso. [Imagine this in another time, where she could grin in a way that scrunches up her nose, delighting in yes, he's cute, and kind, and funny, and he has such a nice body, and she's liked running her hands all over it. Girl talk. Not here, though. Here it's just a little wistful. Everything is complicated.] I think we could agree to disagree, but... I don't know. Have you ever had to do that, with a friend?
Like you're not hurting? Either you get it out, or you fake it till you make it until it's solved, I don't really see any other way.
(Sometimes, this works. Put it all in the open, let it burn and bleed — or alternatively, let it go. Mask it so you deal with another day. She has no horse in this race, 'opinionated', 'mean', and 'bad choices' make a Stepford, so she can't really say anything more peaceful. Blood or leave.
The smile Sciel doesn't show, Sophie does, her hand bringing the wine to her mouth for a sip before Sciel tossed that question at her.
She can't laugh with a mouthful of wine, so instead, it's a small snort that leaves her, dainty fingers hiding her face from the embarrassment of the sound.)
Girl, first of all, what friends? Second of all, not about anything that big, anyway. My sisters and I disagreed constantly, but I don't think my usual way of life really applies here.
I’ll be fine. And we’ll be fine, too, in time, it just… needs to run its course.
[This is venting, but it’s also just sharing. She’d promised Sophie an explanation for what was going on, and this is the foundation of it, the set-up of her friendship with Gustave before it gets into the ugly things that would drive him to send his child away for the evening.
She gives Sophie a bit of an apologetic look. Sorry, love.]
Maybe not, but there’s something about needing to hide a part of your life from someone that doesn’t sit right. I don’t think either wants to be hidden, or tiptoed around.
[Sciel looks into her wine glass for a beat, exasperated at the mere thought of Verso and Gustave in the same room again, but her tone stays on the lighter side.]
A few times. I don’t know what about, exactly, but it got them to a stalemate at best, and then Verso disappeared.
(It means there's wiggle room. She sees a little hope in there, if it didn't end up in a full disaster.
There are also things she knows. Maelle told her Gustave's fear of replacement, but Sophie isn't about to give out that information, but she sees some other reasons why there might be feelings towards Verso that aren't all related to his actions or choices.)
... Yeah. That... Does happen, doesn't it? Kind of makes you a little hesitant on moving forward. We can just get taken away.
Mm. I know Verso was… [She pauses. It’s difficult to say for sure what he was thinking, even having spent more time with him here than any of them.] He thought maybe he should back off for a bit. He didn’t want a fight any more than Gustave does.
[She shakes her head, wine halfway to her mouth.]
I don’t know what will happen next time they cross paths.
I... Well, from what you're describing? I think a fight is inevitable, regardless of whether they want to fight or not. I don't think fighting is such a bad thing? At least it brings you somewhere, even if it's ugly.
(Mind Sciel, she doesn't really know what to say. She's not looking, so she doesn't have a cheatsheet to what she should or shouldn't add, what is the correct answer, or what would be perceived as such. Instead, she's getting Sophie at her most honest, most herself.
Flaws and not sure what Sciel expects from her included in the package.)
That said. I don't think Verso is wrong in wanting to give a break in the peace negotiations. With everything that is going on, it'd be easy to escalate that situation to a thousand, right?
But what about you? Are you going to talk to him, or are you just going to wait until they solve it amongst themselves?
[Peace negotiations. She’s not so sure that’s what it is, not in its entirety. Verso has his own baggage, but that feels like venturing into more territory that isn’t hers to share. She ruminates on that for a moment, unbothered by Sophie’s honesty just the same.]
Anything could escalate it. Verso’s complicated. They both are. [Everyone is. They’re people.] For me, I don’t know. Gustave and I are going to keep talking about it and sorting out how we feel about it, but I still don’t want to side with anyone. That makes it complicated, doesn’t it? I can’t blame Gustave for not wanting to hear some defence of what Verso’s done, but Verso is a member of our team. I won’t make him a scapegoat for everything that went wrong.
(Even if she's unsure what role Verso played. Did he kill Gustave or something? She knows there's something to do with Maelle. She could very well categorize the Expeditioners as 'messy', but then again, if she opened her mouth to talk about the issues in her household, well. They're not at all much better, or better at all.)
Do you, you know, like him? Verso. Do you think this whole thing is worth it? That's another thing to consider, too.
It’s not serious between us. [Or it isn’t for her, at least. He’d asked one very particular question, and she trusts he respects her answer.] But even if I never slept with him again, he’d still be my friend.
Yeah. Well, from what I'm hearing? I don't think they'll ever be friends, but hopefully, they'll reach some kinda place of, well, maybe not understanding, but just moving on. Sucks, though? Sounds like it's stressful for everyone.
It does... suck. [What a funny word.] And it feels like such a small, petty thing considering the enormity of everything we were trying to accomplish on the Expedition. Our world's come to an end, but I have visions of my best friend telling me I'm not a loyal widow? But it's all tied in together. This wouldn't be happening if we didn't care about each other deeply.
About that part, I wouldn't be so certain. My world went to shit so many times, and we're still standing. Who knows. And you're here, too, so maybe that solves at least something. I don't fucking know.
(It's just a thought. Why would Aurora bring them here to fight for an already ended world? If she's cherry picking, why choose that one, from a tactical, resource-saving standpoint?)
Well, that, you obviously do. I'm around you guys all the time, and I don't even need to look to know that.
Well, maybe I should rephrase myself –– the earth is fine, but the people are all gone, Sophie. Me included. I can't even be sure this is real. Maybe Echo brought us back different. Changed.
[How would she possibly know? Even a feeling has to be informed by something. It's not that it even particularly bothers her, either, she's still waiting for the death she looked forward to, but...]
We're on a new mission now, one for Etraya, and we're not focused on it because we still have so much to process from the last one. All of us do.
I know. Maelle told me about the mass Gommage. What I'm trying to say is... Well, obviously, not remotely the same, but we've suffered countless genocides. Sometimes, something happens, we're brought back. Hell, I was brought back four times minimum, Sciel. I just... I don't know. With how insane your world is, I just feel like something could happen.
(She doesn't know. She just thinks if something can wipe out all of them, it might as well bring them back? She wouldn't just throw away that theory so fast. But, well, this is what she knows from what she experienced.
Girl attempting to provide comfort has no idea what she is talking about.)
Changed how? If it comforts you, I don't feel anything weird...
(She's gesturing to Sciel's head like a weirdo, to explain her brain feels fine.)
And how do you even plan to do that? Processing, I mean. It seems like you all are processing together?
[So she does know. Sciel is quiet for a beat, processing how an outsider sees the end of their existence in contrast with death never being a sure end, and she thinks: her heart couldn't take it. If there is no end, no happily ever after, together in the abyss, then it's a cycle more terrible than she ever imagined.
And then:]
You didn't know me before I Gommaged. What if something was lost in translation, from there to life again? Death must have changed you, too, didn't it? You don't just wake up the same person after an experience like that.
[Like Noco. Noco will never be the same.]
And there's no planning, really. It just happens, day by day.
(That's the thing, though. There's a lot of differences between Sophie's personal experiences and literally anyone else's. That's her struggle — that's why this is so hard for her, cast outside from where she feels most comfortable.)
You're right, I didn't. That may as well be a possibility, you know? But that said, from my point of view with the little I've been there, no one has willingly messed with your mind? We usually can tell.
(Fractures. Holes. They are as tangible as anything else.)
... I... Well, look, I'm — different? That's what having a brain that connects and regulates itself with the other four does. So, yeah, I came back the same. Forgiving and hating the same people, doing the same behavior, talking and thinking the same way. Most people don't, though? I've seen tons of people come back. It's always insane, so you do have a point.
(To that last sentence, she'll clink their glasses before she downs the rest of her drink. She feels like maybe she will need it.)
Maybe not altered my mind, but there could be something missing. There could be something I won't realize for a long time. And with my friends here, I do hope that isn't the case, because they could tell, but who knows? Did the other four die, too? If they didn't, doesn't that set you apart from them?
[She can't pretend to know how all that works, but it's something.]
I don't think I was any different. I think I've been behaving a little irresponsibly here, given all the new opportunities, but... I still feel like me in all the ways that matter.
You seem so self-aware that if you felt something were off, you would know it, so you also have that going on for you.
(She thinks, at least. And the same way Sophie doesn't understand, she can't expect Sciel to understand either. Well, they did come to talk, right? At least this is something she wants to talk about, with all the fog trauma.)
Oh, no. I mean, one other did a little after. And, uh, it's complicated. Yes, because they were three instead of five, so there is an understanding of which Cuckoo I am, but also, not really? I knew and felt all they feel, including when I was not there, and vice-versa. When I first got here, not only did I have to explain which one I was to everyone, but I was, you know, a Cuckoo. They know me but don't at the same time, because that's not really what sets us apart. It's really difficult to explain, I'm sorry.
(She's trying her hardest, at least.)
Then let's reframe as you're... Discovering what being alive without a timer feels like.
I guess time will tell. Or this place, apparently, since it seems to love to put us in fucked up situations to begin with.
(She has to chew on that for a second. 'Liberating' is not the best word, but she doesn't know what word would be best either.)
I suppose you want me to be honest, so.
('Friends don't lie to friends' being the first thing Kamala told her that she listened to. She'd love to say it's great, that being her own person unthetered to them is awesome, all this freedom, all these choices, but it's... Hard, considering the journey she decided to take.
She takes a sip, watching the glass for a second before sighing as loudly as she can for some comfort.)
I guess I don't know how I feel. We have a certain really shitty reputation and we happen to be clones of one of the most influential women of our time, not to mention the hivemind aspect of it all. It, uh, feels incomplete. You can't really understand who I am and what I'm trying to accomplish without knowing me as One-In-Five, you know?
(She thinks she's done for a second as her brain processes it for a little while, and she realizes she's not. Another breath,)
... That said...? It's not... Bad. I'm just not used to all this, so I'm constantly recalibrating, but I... Like who I am, here? Or, well, I'm trying to be someone I can like?
[She does want honesty. And it makes sense to her, even without knowing the intricacies of Sophie’s world, that all the complicated and sometimes oppressive parts of being a One-in-Five would still be the building blocks of her life, her identity –– her story, whether it’s been glorious or tragic.
It makes her think of Verso, actually. She can’t say for certain what makes his family a force of nature, but she knows she will never have a full picture of him as long as it remains a mystery to her. It’s no different with Sophie, even if it’s not at all the same, either.]
It’s complicated. A rare experience, with very few other who could understand what you’re going through. But that makes it even more admirable to me that you’re trying, Sophie. You’re forging your own path in the unknown.
[She takes a sip of her wine, sets the glass down, and reaches over to put a hand on her friend’s shoulder for a brief squeeze. She smiles, knowing this question is one that most people fondly hate:]
So what have you learned to like about yourself so far?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[She needs a sip of wine. She takes one.]
Anyway. Verso holds his cards very, very close to his chest. Gustave doesn't like that, and I think from where he's standing, it's a fair judgement. It's just not where I've stood.
no subject
(If it doesn't get worse. She should be able to handle a little mean, give a little mean back. In most cases, Sophie hardly gets offended — her stance tends to be very clear. 'You offend me, I offend you, then if both are offended, no one is', which is a clearly sane and healthy approach to deal with conflict, by someone who is definitely in control of her regulation. Not a doubt.)
... No way, it's Verso? I met him, kinda, a while back. Pretty cute, nice— not the point. Look. There are things you won't understand, and there are things he won't understand. What's the likelihood he just accepts your decision as your own to make, considering the differences in, you know, how things are dealt?
no subject
[Nothing feels worse than adding to conflict. She doesn't even bring anger to the battlefield; bringing it down on her friends feels impossible.]
And yes, it's Verso. [Imagine this in another time, where she could grin in a way that scrunches up her nose, delighting in yes, he's cute, and kind, and funny, and he has such a nice body, and she's liked running her hands all over it. Girl talk. Not here, though. Here it's just a little wistful. Everything is complicated.] I think we could agree to disagree, but... I don't know. Have you ever had to do that, with a friend?
no subject
(Sometimes, this works. Put it all in the open, let it burn and bleed — or alternatively, let it go. Mask it so you deal with another day. She has no horse in this race, 'opinionated', 'mean', and 'bad choices' make a Stepford, so she can't really say anything more peaceful. Blood or leave.
The smile Sciel doesn't show, Sophie does, her hand bringing the wine to her mouth for a sip before Sciel tossed that question at her.
She can't laugh with a mouthful of wine, so instead, it's a small snort that leaves her, dainty fingers hiding her face from the embarrassment of the sound.)
Girl, first of all, what friends? Second of all, not about anything that big, anyway. My sisters and I disagreed constantly, but I don't think my usual way of life really applies here.
no subject
I’ll be fine. And we’ll be fine, too, in time, it just… needs to run its course.
[This is venting, but it’s also just sharing. She’d promised Sophie an explanation for what was going on, and this is the foundation of it, the set-up of her friendship with Gustave before it gets into the ugly things that would drive him to send his child away for the evening.
She gives Sophie a bit of an apologetic look. Sorry, love.]
Maybe not, but there’s something about needing to hide a part of your life from someone that doesn’t sit right. I don’t think either wants to be hidden, or tiptoed around.
no subject
(She doesn't doubt it, but hopefully the course it runs is a helpful one. Whether they decide not to touch it, whether they talk, hopefully something.
But she appreciates the trust, if anything. Isn't sure if she deserves it, if she's the right vessel for it, but she sees it. Takes it.
Thanks her for it.)
Have they tried talking to each other?
no subject
A few times. I don’t know what about, exactly, but it got them to a stalemate at best, and then Verso disappeared.
no subject
(It means there's wiggle room. She sees a little hope in there, if it didn't end up in a full disaster.
There are also things she knows. Maelle told her Gustave's fear of replacement, but Sophie isn't about to give out that information, but she sees some other reasons why there might be feelings towards Verso that aren't all related to his actions or choices.)
... Yeah. That... Does happen, doesn't it? Kind of makes you a little hesitant on moving forward. We can just get taken away.
no subject
[She shakes her head, wine halfway to her mouth.]
I don’t know what will happen next time they cross paths.
no subject
(Mind Sciel, she doesn't really know what to say. She's not looking, so she doesn't have a cheatsheet to what she should or shouldn't add, what is the correct answer, or what would be perceived as such. Instead, she's getting Sophie at her most honest, most herself.
Flaws and not sure what Sciel expects from her included in the package.)
That said. I don't think Verso is wrong in wanting to give a break in the peace negotiations. With everything that is going on, it'd be easy to escalate that situation to a thousand, right?
But what about you? Are you going to talk to him, or are you just going to wait until they solve it amongst themselves?
no subject
Anything could escalate it. Verso’s complicated. They both are. [Everyone is. They’re people.] For me, I don’t know. Gustave and I are going to keep talking about it and sorting out how we feel about it, but I still don’t want to side with anyone. That makes it complicated, doesn’t it? I can’t blame Gustave for not wanting to hear some defence of what Verso’s done, but Verso is a member of our team. I won’t make him a scapegoat for everything that went wrong.
no subject
(Even if she's unsure what role Verso played. Did he kill Gustave or something? She knows there's something to do with Maelle. She could very well categorize the Expeditioners as 'messy', but then again, if she opened her mouth to talk about the issues in her household, well. They're not at all much better, or better at all.)
Do you, you know, like him? Verso. Do you think this whole thing is worth it? That's another thing to consider, too.
no subject
no subject
Yeah. Well, from what I'm hearing? I don't think they'll ever be friends, but hopefully, they'll reach some kinda place of, well, maybe not understanding, but just moving on. Sucks, though? Sounds like it's stressful for everyone.
no subject
It does... suck. [What a funny word.] And it feels like such a small, petty thing considering the enormity of everything we were trying to accomplish on the Expedition. Our world's come to an end, but I have visions of my best friend telling me I'm not a loyal widow? But it's all tied in together. This wouldn't be happening if we didn't care about each other deeply.
no subject
About that part, I wouldn't be so certain. My world went to shit so many times, and we're still standing. Who knows. And you're here, too, so maybe that solves at least something. I don't fucking know.
(It's just a thought. Why would Aurora bring them here to fight for an already ended world? If she's cherry picking, why choose that one, from a tactical, resource-saving standpoint?)
Well, that, you obviously do. I'm around you guys all the time, and I don't even need to look to know that.
no subject
[How would she possibly know? Even a feeling has to be informed by something. It's not that it even particularly bothers her, either, she's still waiting for the death she looked forward to, but...]
We're on a new mission now, one for Etraya, and we're not focused on it because we still have so much to process from the last one. All of us do.
no subject
(She doesn't know. She just thinks if something can wipe out all of them, it might as well bring them back? She wouldn't just throw away that theory so fast. But, well, this is what she knows from what she experienced.
Girl attempting to provide comfort has no idea what she is talking about.)
Changed how? If it comforts you, I don't feel anything weird...
(She's gesturing to Sciel's head like a weirdo, to explain her brain feels fine.)
And how do you even plan to do that? Processing, I mean. It seems like you all are processing together?
no subject
And then:]
You didn't know me before I Gommaged. What if something was lost in translation, from there to life again? Death must have changed you, too, didn't it? You don't just wake up the same person after an experience like that.
[Like Noco. Noco will never be the same.]
And there's no planning, really. It just happens, day by day.
no subject
You're right, I didn't. That may as well be a possibility, you know? But that said, from my point of view with the little I've been there, no one has willingly messed with your mind? We usually can tell.
(Fractures. Holes. They are as tangible as anything else.)
... I... Well, look, I'm — different? That's what having a brain that connects and regulates itself with the other four does. So, yeah, I came back the same. Forgiving and hating the same people, doing the same behavior, talking and thinking the same way. Most people don't, though? I've seen tons of people come back. It's always insane, so you do have a point.
(To that last sentence, she'll clink their glasses before she downs the rest of her drink. She feels like maybe she will need it.)
How were you? Before you Gommaged.
no subject
[She can't pretend to know how all that works, but it's something.]
I don't think I was any different. I think I've been behaving a little irresponsibly here, given all the new opportunities, but... I still feel like me in all the ways that matter.
no subject
(She thinks, at least. And the same way Sophie doesn't understand, she can't expect Sciel to understand either. Well, they did come to talk, right? At least this is something she wants to talk about, with all the fog trauma.)
Oh, no. I mean, one other did a little after. And, uh, it's complicated. Yes, because they were three instead of five, so there is an understanding of which Cuckoo I am, but also, not really? I knew and felt all they feel, including when I was not there, and vice-versa. When I first got here, not only did I have to explain which one I was to everyone, but I was, you know, a Cuckoo. They know me but don't at the same time, because that's not really what sets us apart. It's really difficult to explain, I'm sorry.
(She's trying her hardest, at least.)
Then let's reframe as you're... Discovering what being alive without a timer feels like.
no subject
[But would she worry about it, if things were truly the same? There’s no way to tell, and she decides not to dwell on it.]
It may be difficult, but surely it’s been liberating, in some way, to be your own person? To be known entirely as Sophie, instead of as one of five?
no subject
(She has to chew on that for a second. 'Liberating' is not the best word, but she doesn't know what word would be best either.)
I suppose you want me to be honest, so.
('Friends don't lie to friends' being the first thing Kamala told her that she listened to. She'd love to say it's great, that being her own person unthetered to them is awesome, all this freedom, all these choices, but it's... Hard, considering the journey she decided to take.
She takes a sip, watching the glass for a second before sighing as loudly as she can for some comfort.)
I guess I don't know how I feel. We have a certain really shitty reputation and we happen to be clones of one of the most influential women of our time, not to mention the hivemind aspect of it all. It, uh, feels incomplete. You can't really understand who I am and what I'm trying to accomplish without knowing me as One-In-Five, you know?
(She thinks she's done for a second as her brain processes it for a little while, and she realizes she's not. Another breath,)
... That said...? It's not... Bad. I'm just not used to all this, so I'm constantly recalibrating, but I... Like who I am, here? Or, well, I'm trying to be someone I can like?
no subject
It makes her think of Verso, actually. She can’t say for certain what makes his family a force of nature, but she knows she will never have a full picture of him as long as it remains a mystery to her. It’s no different with Sophie, even if it’s not at all the same, either.]
It’s complicated. A rare experience, with very few other who could understand what you’re going through. But that makes it even more admirable to me that you’re trying, Sophie. You’re forging your own path in the unknown.
[She takes a sip of her wine, sets the glass down, and reaches over to put a hand on her friend’s shoulder for a brief squeeze. She smiles, knowing this question is one that most people fondly hate:]
So what have you learned to like about yourself so far?
(no subject)